Here I am today about to embark on this journey that I'm
really ready for. This journey has been
one in the making for many years. I’ve had lots of issues around food and my
relationship with food was unhealthy throughout my adolescence, teenage and
young adult years. Food has always been very
important in my house, beyond just survival and nourishment. As far back as I remember food for my mother was extremely important - food and cooking is a way that
she shows her love. I would also say eating disorders in run in my family. I have an aunt
who had spent some time in an eating disorders clinic, my grandmother had struggled
with eating disorders, and while my mother didn't/doesn’t have an
eating disorder, I remember that during a difficult time our life, she ate almost nothing but chocolate for almost a whole month.
As a child, I remember myself as being pretty skinny until I
was nine years old. I had a couple of traumatic events happen in my life and I
began to seek solace in food. When I
look at old pictures, I can almost pinpoint the change in my demeanor and
appearance. I quickly went from being a
happy thin 8-year old to a chubby sad 9-year old.
My first diet was in seventh grade, I was about 11 years old. At the time, my father was trying to lose a little weight and we had a number of diet pills in the house by a very popular company called Herballife. I remember sitting in gym class one day and just thinking “oh my God, I am so fat! What am I going to do with myself? Nobody likes me! I'm so fat.” I stopped the eating lunches my mother would make me and I reduced my meal intake to 1 per day. I also started sneaking the diet pills to school with me. This really wrecked havoc on my blood sugar and I became an emotional mess. I had several breakdowns, including one at my 12 year old birthday party. I don't remember exactly how I got out of it, but friends that were concerned about my well-being did help get me off of the pills and start eating better again.
I did ok for about 2 years, but when I was 14 or 15, I began trying to control my food again. Since I was in the midst of puberty, my appetite had significantly increased and I found it difficult to eat once a day. I began to have cycles of binging and starving and finally turned to bulimia because I was so afraid of gaining weight.
Bulimia took over my life for the next 3 years. I went from having a 3.83 GPA in my sophomore year to a 1.67 in the first semester of my senior year of high school. I would spend $50 a day on food and most of the day binging and purging. At my worst, I was binging and purging 7 times a day. My mother would often come home from work to find me either passed out in the bathroom or passed out in my bed.
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| Dec '98 |
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| Sep '99 |
I truly believe that the only thing that saved my life at that point was a 12-step program called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, FA. Shortly after graduating high school, I found an advertisement for their meetings in the Fort Mason Center schedule. I got a sponsor and attended meetings 3 times a week. The program had very rigid rules but for 8 months I followed them to a tee. I would wake up at 5am, meditate, call my sponsor and commit my 3 dailies meals to her. Once I talked to her, I could not change my mind on what I ate that day or I would be breaking what they call “abstinence.” In FA, being abstinent meant you didn’t eat white flour, sugar, alcohol or quantities of outside of what you were allowed by your program. My 3 meals were very “clean”:
Breakfast:
1oz of dry oatmeal cooked with water
8 ounces of yogurt
Either 6 oz. or one piece of fruit
Lunch:
6 ounces of vegetable
6 ounces at either white rice or potatoes or sweet potatoes
4 ounces of protein
Either 6 oz. or one piece of fruit
Dinner:
16 oz. salad with 2tbsp of oil
6 ounces of vegetable
6 ounces at either white rice or potatoes or sweet potatoes
4 ounces of protein
Either 6 oz. or one piece of fruit
I did the program from June 2000 until April ’01. I went from 125lbs to 100lbs in that time. I basically used this program to become anorexic. My sponsor lived in Boston and didn’t see me. I started working out very heavily and began preparing for a fitness modeling competition. I still woke up every day at 5am, but instead of meditating, I’d go to the gym and work out for a 2hrs. My body fat measured at 14%, extremely low for a woman. Leading up to the competition, I made the decision to stop attending meetings and stop calling my sponsor. I chose to leave the program. My justification was that it didn’t feel like enough food for me and all of the exercise I was doing. My sponsor suggested I cut down on the exercise, I chose to cut out FA. A friend of mine also pointed out that I may be involved in a cult because of how my behavior and speech had separated me from my friends and family.
When I left FA, I had no idea how to eat or what to eat. I began binging again, mostly on chocolate protein bars. I didn't win the competition and the disappointment really set me off. My binging quickly got out of control. I went from weighing 100lbs to almost 180lbs in 18 months. During this time I moved away to college to be away from everyone and everything that I knew. I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety and went back and forth between doing another twelve-step programs to help deal with my food problems
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| April '01 |
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| Nov '02 |
My depression became so deep that I stopped attending classes and tried to find a way to move back home. When I came home to visit in the spring ’03, I fell madly in love and that was the perfect reason to move back home. Two months later, I moved back home and in with this new boyfriend. Because I was so dysfunctional, so was the relationship I attracted. At this point, with the help of a heavy exercise regime, I was down to 155 pounds and a size 12.
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| Jul '03 |
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| Jul '02 |
